


323 Days

by IWriteWorksNotTragedies



Series: The Days That You've Been Gone [1]
Category: Stranger Things (TV 2016)
Genre: All Aboard, Character Death, Gen, Suicide, Suicide Notes, feels trip
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-02
Updated: 2018-04-06
Packaged: 2019-01-28 08:37:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,734
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12602616
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IWriteWorksNotTragedies/pseuds/IWriteWorksNotTragedies
Summary: One note, that one damn note. (Warning for suicide)





	1. 323 Days

**Author's Note:**

> This contains suicide, if you aren't comfortable with the subject, this is your warning.  
> Proceed at your own risk.

‘Three hundred and twenty-three days, and no longer counting, I stopped, isn’t that what all of you wanted me to do? ‘Stop counting Mike, she isn’t coming back.’, ‘Why do you keep on counting, it’s almost been a year, if she’s coming back, she would’ve done it by now’. Mom, Dad, you two thought I was acting out, and that I had changed, and need to get my grades back up, you didn’t even bother to ask me why, or what was wrong, you two just took away the few things I looked forward to, my stuff, my games, and even my friends. Nancy, I’d like to say you’ve been more of a sister to me since elementary school, but you haven’t. You’re always out, you never try to talk to me when you are home, you usually just bring Steve back with you and ignore me, when it comes to sisters, Holly has been a better one than you could ever be.

Dustin, Lucas, you two have been the best friends I could ever ask for, you two tried to help even when you didn’t know how, you helped me sneak out of the house to go to the arcade when I was grounded, and I’m grateful for that, but there’s only so much you can do, and too much I can’t. Will, I want you to know, I don’t blame you, it’s not your fault, she gave herself up so that you could come back to us, and I need you to know that you are not to blame.

Ms. Byers, I want you to know that you were more of a mother to me than my parents have ever been, and I want to thank you for that. Mr. Clarke, you were the best teacher any student can ask for, and I learned more from you than every other teacher in school combined.

To everyone else that reads this letter, I lived great first twelve years, but this past year has been a living hell that I only see one escape from, and I don’t want anyone to look at my friends and label them the friends of that kid because they don’t deserve that. I know that this is considered ‘selfish’ or ‘the cowards way out’, but it isn’t, this is the hardest decision I’ve ever made in my life, and I don’t care if I get labeled as a coward, this is my choice to make, and I made it.

Goodbye, this is Michael Wheeler, former president of Hawkins middle AV club, over and out.’

That was the one thing that he had on him when we found him at the bottom of the quarry, one piece of paper, in an envelope, addressed to Hawkins. We didn’t even know he had it until we got to the morgue. On the way there we didn’t even know who it was, all we got a report of was a body floating in the water. Once I got there, I was horrified, I needed answers, I needed to know that it wasn’t my fault. I searched for answers, and once I found that piece of paper, I got all the wrong answers to all the wrong problems.

Once I read it, I got in my truck, and I started driving. I didn’t know where I was driving to, I just knew I needed to drive. As chief, I needed to tell the Wheelers, as the person harboring the kid that he had just committed suicide over, I couldn’t tell them, I couldn’t tell them that their kid is dead and that it was my fault. Then I thought about how she would react, how she would blame herself, how I knew that if I didn’t tell her, I was just delaying the inevitable.

I, Jim Hopper, killed Michael Wheeler.


	2. 324 Days -Karen

“What is Su-ici-de?” Eleven asked, having trouble with pronouncing the last word. “What? Why?” I asked dodging the question and hoping that she didn’t know the truth. “It says it here, in the back of the newspaper, local boy commits su-i-cide.” El said, still having trouble pronouncing that last word. “Suicide, yeah.” I helped, that damn paper gets the news before I do half of the time. “Suicide is when you kill, um, - ““It’s when you kill someone?” El cut in. “No, no.” I said. After a long pause, I said: “It’s um, it’s when you kill, uh, when you kill yourself.” I explained, tripping over my own words.

“Oh,” El said blankly. “Why would you want to do that?” “Well, you know, some people feel like they only have one option, one way to go. They feel like everyone around them would be better off without them. They think that it’s harder to go through life than they can manage.” I explained. There was a long awkward pause between the two, El was going through all the questions in her head, I was hoping that she wouldn’t ask another one. “What would make someone that sad?” El asked somberly. “A lot of stuff, a lot of stuff, getting bullied, getting fired from their job, breaking up with someone they cared about,” I paused “Losing someone that they cared about, like family or a close friend.” “D-do you know who it was?” El asked “No, no, I didn’t even know about that.” I replied quickly as I looked at my watch, 8:36. “Oops, I’ve been talking on for too long, I got to get to work. Remember to eat real food, not just Eggos. I’ll be back at six o’ clock, I’ll signal you if that changes. Ok?” I said while grabbing my hat. El nodded back in reply. “Alright, I’ll see you when I get back.” I said rushing out the door.

I had one thing, a thing that as chief I must do, but as someone with a shred of decency, I didn’t know how to do it. I started driving, driving toward one specific house, it’s something that I just need to do. I got there, at the house at the end of the cul-de-sac, and I walked to the front door. I knocked on the door, it felt like an eternity until Karen opened the front door. “Chief, is everything ok? Did Mike get into some sort of trouble again?” Karen asked. “No. No, no, Can I sit?” I replied. Karen led me into the living room to the sofa. “What’s wrong, what happened?” Karen asked hurriedly. “Do you know where your son is Mrs. Wheeler?” I asked. “He was spending the night at the Henderson’s, why, did he do something wrong?” She asked “Karen, your son, he’s gone, last night, we found him at the bottom of the quarry.” I finally got out. Karen mind was flushed with too many emotions, shock, grief, and sadness being the three most notable ones. “A-are you sure it was him? That it wasn’t just some other kid?” Karen replied quickly, mind buzzing with questions. “Karen, he left this,” I said while pulling out the note. “I think you should read it.”

She sat there quietly, re-reading every single letter until they were infused into her brain. Seeking answers, she was still in too much shock to cry, she had no idea how to process what was going on. “I think I’ll leave you to your peace.” I said, standing up. “Thank you, for bringing this to me.” Karen said, walking me to the front door. “No need to thank me, you need time to process this, we all do.” I said, walking out the door and to my car.

“We need time to process this.” I kept telling myself the same lie, over and over again hoping that it will be the truth, dreading the next visits I have to make.


	3. 325 Days -Nancy

325 Days

“Where are you going?” El said with a groggy voice

“I’ll gotta get to work early, there’s someone I need to talk to.” I said glancing over at the alarm clock next to her bed, 5:28 AM. She’s getting in early, coming all the way from Indianapolis, she was there partying all weekend, better there than here.

On the way there I just want to punch something, I’m getting tired of telling people why such a young kid died, and I don’t know how I’m going to keep doing it. Knowing her, she’s not going home, but going over to one of her friend’s houses, just need to find out which. I saw her with the greasy haired kid who got in a fight with Joyce’s son last fall, she’s probably going to his house.

So, I went there, and I found her pulling in, she went inside, and I waited a few minutes in the driveway trying to figure shit out, what am I going to say? After a few minutes I went up to the door and knocked. I could hear someone stomping down the stairs and heading towards the door.

“I got it!” Telling by the voice it’s the boy, he opened the door.

“Oh, chief, what are you doing here? Is it another voice complaint? I told those guys to keep it down at night.” He said hurriedly.

“No, no, I’m here to talk to Nancy, you seen her around?” I asked, knowing she’s here.

“Yeah, let me go get her.” He said running towards the other end of the house.

He came back a minute later with a seemingly hungover Nancy. “What are you doing here?” She asked while yawning.

“Can I come inside? Maybe we could find a place to sit and talk.” I said in my most fake upbeat voice

“Yeah, yeah come in.” Said Steve, directing me towards the living room.

As we sat down I tried to get this conversation started and finished in as little time as possible. “Nancy? Have you heard anything from your mother recently?” I Asked, trying to see if she would just get angry by my telling her what she already knew.

“N-No, I haven’t. Why? What happened?” she asked sounding concerned.

“It’s, it’s about Mike.” I said

“What’d he do this time, is he trying to pin it on me? Little bastard. He’s been acting like such a bitc- “

“Nancy Mike is dead.” I cut in, trying not to lose my mind over the shit she was saying.

“W-What?” She whispered, shell-shocked.

“It was a suicide. He jumped into the quarry one night ago.” I said, trying not to lay too much onto her at once.”

Silence filled the room. Soon, all you could hear was her sobbing.

“There isn’t anything you could’ve done, nobody saw this coming.” I said quietly, trying to console her. “Here, “ I handed the envelope I held in my hand to her. “He left this.” Inside the envelope was the note, 323 days, if he’s not here to count them anymore, I will. While she was reading the note, you could see her face darken, like she had seen the Demogorgon all over again.

“I think you need time to think about this.” I said standing up “If you ever need help, don’t be afraid to ask.” I said walking towards the door. She was staring at the note, not even reading it anymore, she could bear to read the end. She was just sat there, crying, seemingly alone. “Sorry.” I said as I walked out the door.

I walked to my truck, I don’t know how I’m going to handle the next few days if they’re all going to be like the last two, I might go insane.


	4. 325 Days -Boys

That was it, that was all I could handle for one day. I’m just ready for this week to be over, when I don’t have to tell mothers that their son committed suicide, when I don’t have to cover up the fact that the reason that he committed suicide was because of me. _Fuck_ , this is all my fault, _I’m the reason that a thirteen-year-old kid killed himself_. I don’t this that I will ever be able to forget that I did this.

I need a drive, something to take my mind off things. I drove, and drove, and kept driving until I ended up at Hawkins Middle School. This is the last thing I need right now, the school’s letting out, I was about to leave when I spotted three boys seemingly walking towards me. I was going to do this tomorrow, but now seems like a good a time as any to tell three kids that their friend is dead. I got out of the car as they spotted me.

“Chief! Thank God we found you, we’ve stopped by the station yesterday, but you weren’t there, receptionist said something about a house call.” Lucas said while they were running towards him

“Chief, Mike is missing. We think he might’ve gone looking for Eleven again and got lost in the woods.” Will said in a more cohesive but concerned tone.

“Or he was kidnapped by the scientist guys.” Dustin chimed in

“Guys calm down, I need to tell you something you’re not gonna want to hear” I said, attempting to keep from asking questions.

“What is it?” Will asked in an even more concerned tone

“Mike, he’s not here anymore.” I said trying to soften the blow, it just sounded more condescending than anything else.

“W-what?” Dustin said softly

“H-how?” Lucas asked, shell-shocked.

 “He-he jumped at the quarry. Deceased on impact.” I said, attempting to stay professional while breaking the news that their best friend is dead.

I don’t know what to do, there’s only so much you can do to console middle school kids, these kids need time, isn’t that what we all need, isn’t that what I’ve been preaching to people for the past two days, _to myself_?

“He left you all this.” I said as I pulled the note out of my back pocket.

Will grabbed it and started reading through it immediately, the others not even comprehending that I said anything. Tears started streaming down his face, and he dropped the paper from his hands and ran to his bike. What could I do to stop him, I didn’t have the right to stop him after what I’ve done. Dustin and Lucas preceded to read the paper as I went to get in the truck. I couldn’t bear to watch two more people’s reaction to that one damn note.

“Stop by at the station tomorrow morning if you want any help.” I said half-heartedly as I started my engine.

I left, I needed to get out, life started suffocating me, I can’t do this.

Please, don’t make me do this.


	5. 326 Days

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song at the end of the chapter is 'lost//found' by EDEN
> 
> I highly recommend listening to it while reading this.
> 
> (P.S. Don't hate me)

I’m tired. Tired of having to tell people that a kid is dead, tired of knowing that it’s my fault. I’m tired of seeing myself in the mirror every morning and wanting to punch that son of a bitch in the face. Three days, three days since there was a body in the quarry, since there was one less life in Hawkins,  _since there was one more note_. The note, the damned note, every time someone reads that note you can just see the life drain from their face.

Last day, just one more sorry soul to tell about this, _Joyce_. She was more of a mother to any kid she found than their own parents. She was the person I dreaded the most to tell this to, I couldn’t bear to see this note’s effect on her.

I’m tired of losing kids, I didn’t think I could do it again after Sara, to care for someone, then Will went missing and I started feeling the all too familiar feelings. After Will got back, I thought I might be able to take care of something for once. I found Eleven and knew that it was too dangerous for her to be anywhere near the public, so I hid her, I did what I thought was right. After all of that, I still got a kid killed, still lost a life, another one on my hands, on my soul.

I got up and started to walk towards the kitchen when I heard sobbing from the room next to me. At first, I didn’t think too much into it, she had gotten nightmares every now and then, but didn’t like it when I tried to help, but when I sat down at the table I noticed something missing. The note, the note that was under my hat was gone, the real note from the quarry was gone. I had remembered to leave the copy for Joyce in my truck, but I had forgotten the one left in my hat. I forgot to leave it at the station, so my hat seemed like the best option until I went back today, but when I got home last night it was so late I forgot to take it out. I quickly rushed to her door, only to find that it was locked.

“El? You in there? Why don’t you open up and we can talk?” I said, not expecting it to work, we had had a good amount of arguments over the time she’s been here, and most of them ended up with extra damage to the already fragile house.

But to my surprise she opened the door, tears running down her face while she was clutching on to a ragged piece of paper.

“W-w-“ She quivered “Why?”

I brought her to the couch and we sat, not knowing what to say. I knew what was on that note, the side of it that I hid from everyone else, the side I couldn’t bear to read more than once and couldn’t bear to see others read it even once. There isn’t anything I could say to make it right.

“Why?” She asked, “Why does it hurt so much? Why can’t I do anything? It feels like I’ve been stabbed in the heart and it will never be better again.” She said, crying between the words.

“I don’t know.” I said, truthfully “I don’t think there’s really anything we can do. All we can do is survive through the pain I guess.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” She asked, tears behind the words

“I’ve had to tell this to so many people, I didn’t think I could tell it to you.”

I knew it wouldn’t help, nothing could help that hole in your heart that will never grow back, the words on that page knew that there was nothing that we could do to stop the pain, the only thing we could do was live with the pain.

“But, I think we got to make it through this, for Mike. He wouldn’t want us to be like this, he would want us to be happy.” I said, consoling her

“I d-“ She tried, still sobbing

“I don’t know if I can.” She said slowly

“I don’t know either, but I know we have to try.” I said softly “But most of all, we _need to_ remember him, remember all that he did, and all that he could’ve done.”

We sat there and cried for an hour before she fell back asleep, it can’t be a peaceful dream. She let go the previous white-knuckle grip on the tattered paper in her hand. I slowly leaned over and took it, its better that she doesn’t wake up only to find that reminder immediately in her hand.

The front side of the note is the part I copied and gave to everyone, the back part was too painful for me to give to anyone else. To think that this whole tragedy could’ve been avoided if I had just let her see him _once_.

The backside addressed one person and one person only, **_Eleven_**.

_l         i think i lost myself out_

_o_

_s        somewhere in between_

_t_

_/         finding out who i am_

_/_

_f         confusing that with what I dream_

_o_

_u        and it feels like everyone is done waiting_

_n_

_d        so what am i supposed to do?_

El, if you are somehow reading this, ~~I want~~ , I need you to know that it’s not your fault, it never was your fault. I don’t even know who I am anymore, and I don’t want to. It got too painful, too painful to wake up every day and see that no one even noticed that I’m alive. I need you to know that it’s not your fault that I lost you, and it’s not your fault that I lost myself.

_l_ _and i can feel these bridges breaking_

_o_

_s         and i’m drifting further from you_

_t_

_/         but oh, let it go_

_/_

_f         ‘cause I found god,_

_o_

_u        and he said_

_n_

_d        plans change a lot_

El, I need you to move on, I don’t want you to remember me as that kid that killed himself, I want you to remember me as your friend. El do me a favor, say hi to Will for me, could you do that? Tell him that I don’t blame him either, he had it the worst out of all of us.

 

_l        and so if I can help my luck_

_o_

_s        then things won’t go the way they’re going_

_t_

_/         and i won’t lose hope_

_/_

_f         and i won’t lose courage_

_o_

_u        and won’t fade to gold_

_n_

_d        or worse to shadow_

I want you to know that you were the one ray of sunlight in the dark cruel world I was thrown in, the one you had lived in your whole entire life and you didn’t let the darkness consume you, and you didn’t let it change you. I don’t have the same resilience as you do El, because if you’re seeing this letter the darkness consumed me, if you’re reading this letter then the darkness was so bad that it blocked out your sunlight. El, even though I’m not there with you I want you to promise me, promise me that you’re going to make sure that the darkness doesn’t consume you, I want you to be the same beacon of sunlight you were with me.

 

_l        ‘cause if everyone is gone_

_o_

_s        i don’t wanna be_

_t_

_/        here_

_/_

_f         i don’t wanna be_

_o_

_u        left_

_n_

_d        alone_

 

I don’t want to be lonely anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last chapter in the series, but let me know if you want an epilogue.
> 
> (P.S. I told you not to hate me, did you do it? Did ya?)


End file.
